Concrete
Okay…I am writing this down for me so I don’t forget it…so I will reread it and hopefully be completely rocked by it like I was the first time I read it. I hope and pray it speaks to you as well! I read the following passage yesterday and had to reread it, highlight it, dog ear the page and come back to it throughout the day….
“The ironic thing about believing in God and supernatural things is that the invisible stuff is actually the most trustworthy, the most stable. So the concrete things we can see and touch, they become the wind, they become the things we try to catch and over and over, they pass through our fingers and souls, keeping us empty. But when I take my empty self to God, he feels familiar and stable and more like concrete than wind.”
-Jennie Allen, Anything
Even writing it I had to stop and take it in all over again. If we believe in God, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit…and we believe they are all they say they are then why is it so hard sometimes to believe that they are the most trustworthy and stable things in our life?? Why is it so hard to put our stock in that? Why do we hunt for our happiness….our stability… in everything this world has to offer until one by one we are shown that they too leave us just as empty if not more so than before?
It is no coincidence that the things of this Earth that we think will bring us joy and stability actually just leave us wanting more, feeling less secure. We hunt for it in marriage, careers, money, homes, friendships, children. “I’ll be happy when….”, “I’ll finally feel safe when…..”Like I said, no coincidence….it is by design. Our heavenly father created us to need him. To long for the security and joy that comes from knowing Him. Unfortunately, when we don’t trust Him to be all of that for us we are still left with a longing. Since we still have that longing we look for it in other places. But we will never find what we are looking for unless we allow God to fill that space.
What was laid out so beautifully to me in the passage in “Anything” was the image of everything concrete in this world slipping through our hands and fading away like the wind as we realize they are not the “answer” we were looking for. And as each concrete item falls away, in comparison, the invisible God that we have put our faith in, that first felt like the wind to us, becomes more and more tangible. Easier to hold on to. No longer the wind that we feel but don’t see and can’t hold….but like the concrete….sturdy, touchable, grounding, and stable.
You see, it is true, we are asked to put our faith in an invisible God. We make the choice at some point, to take all we have heard and all we have felt and say “okay….even though I can’t see you…even though other people think I am crazy ….even though I can’t “prove” you are real….I have seen just enough proof of your love, I have heard just enough evidence that you are who you say you are, I felt just enough of your pull on my heart and I am deciding to believe in you!!” And lets be honest, it isn’t always easy….that’s why it is called faith! In the beginning of our walk with God, at least in the beginning of MY walk with God He felt far away. But that’s why I loved this passage… we chase things of this world to fill the longings we don’t realize only God can fill. And when we catch these things we wait for the joy or peace we thought they would bring…..but because our God adores us and longs to help us find the answers we are looking for, He helps us see these concrete earthly things are actually nothing …NOTHING …compared to the love of our heavenly Father. The concrete, tangible, earth shattering love of our Father. And we begin to realize that He IS God!! GOD!! He is more trustworthy, more stable, more able to provide for me than anything this world has to offer and if I walk in that truth…if I cling to it…My peace, joy and salvation can’t be touched by anything this world gives or takes away. And that truth is all I have ever needed.
ANYTHING
I recently read a book called ‘Anything’. I really have no idea how or why I ended up with this book. A friend posted a picture of it on Facebook and two minutes later it was on its way from Amazon Prime. And like my impulse book purchases usually do, it sat unread on my night stand for over a month. It sat there until Christmas, as I was dashing out the door headed to the airport, I picked it up and threw it in my carry on bag. Where it sat throughout the whole flight as I perused the impulse People Magazine I picked up in the airport. And it sat in my carry on bag for an entire week over Christmas break. Finally, on the flight home I reached in my bag and pulled out the book and started reading and then I couldn’t stop. I felt like this book had been written for me, to me and it spoke to me.
‘Anything’ is not only the title of the book…it is also the one word prayer the author, Jennie Allen, found herself praying to God one night after it had occurred to her she was loving God but also loving this world and this life and all the comforts that came with it. She and her husband decided to come together and pray “anything…..we give you anything”. They had no idea what that meant when they prayed it but they knew they had come to a point in their lives where they needed to give up their dreams and ideas of the perfect life and give God everything….anything…he might ask of them.
About midway through the book I felt the desperate need to put it down and hit my knees in prayer. I headed to my closet to be alone and I cried out to God. I confessed that I desperately needed to offer Him my life and offer up to Him anything and everything He had blessed me with. As I knelt there I wasn’t even sure of the words to say or how to offer everything and admittedly I was scared of what ‘everything’ or ‘anything’ might look like. When I think about selling my home, using the retirement fund for His glory, adopting, moving to Uganda or the thousand other things “anything” might include I freaked out a little….if I may be honest!! While I was praying “anything” I was also thinking “please don’t let anything mean moving to Uganda”!! I could feel my heart race at the thought. But I took a deep breath and found the strength to say “I have no idea what you may ask of me God…..but what I can offer you is a heart that knows if you call me to it and ask it of me…you will equip me and be with me. And I can offer you a heart that I believe will say “Here I am Lord” if I hear you call me.” The reason I didn’t want to move to Uganda…is because He hasn’t asked me to do that!!! If He does though, …….I pray and believe He will strengthen me to say “anything!”
So after my mini freak out over Uganda passed I sat quietly waiting to hear from the Lord. Anxious to hear what He might ask of me…..and suddenly, I felt a whisper say “Get up and clean your closet.” Now I am going to admit to you that while I was sitting on my knees after offering up “anything”, “clean your closet” was not the answer I was expecting. But I was so relieved to not hear “move to Uganda” I said “Okay…anything!” and I got up and started cleaning my closet!! As I cleaned and organized and donated I realized this was a task that I had been meaning to do for months and had put it off time and again. My house as a whole was usually presentable…but when it came to being organized..or those rooms like the closet that no one ever sees…well, different story! But here God was asking me to do it and when I was finished I felt a weight lift off my shoulders that I didn’t even realize had been there. So then I waited a minute to hear what to do next and I heard “clean your laundry room”. So again, thrilled not to hear anything about Uganda, off I went and got it done! Again, I felt peace when I was finished. And then I felt led to pay the bills that weren’t late, but I had walked by for a few days letting them clutter my counter. And this is how my day went …one task after another that I had put off got checked off as the Holy Spirit led me from one to the next. As I walked back from the mailbox the sun was shining and I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment and it suddenly became very clear that this wasn’t just about my closet or my laundry room or the bills. This was about my overwhelming struggle with procrastination. And then I felt a whisper say “Do you see the stress you put on yourself, the shame and the guilt you put on yourself when you recognize a job that needs to be done but you don’t do it? Do you feel the peace and joy that comes from completing the tasks set before you each day?”
And there it was….for 44 years I had been locking myself up with stress/shame/guilt/pressure that comes from putting off everything….everything!! And honestly, I had never really realized it!! Sure I knew the stress that came from starting a college paper the night before it was due! I knew the shame I felt when my husband would walk into the cluttered laundry room digging for a clean pair of socks that had been in the dryer for three days. He never complained…but I felt the guilt. So I knew the shame and pressure and stress, but it had never occurred to me the peace and joy that would come from seeing a job and doing it. And it certainly never occurred to me that this was a lesson God was loving enough to want to teach me!!! But there it was….a moment in the sun, looking to the Son, and feeling so loved and so at peace as He filled me with joy an motivation to take care of what He has given me.
So like I said, when I offered Him anything I had no idea what He would ask of me. And I certainly had no idea what He would ask of me would be to “clean my closet” or basically to be a good steward of the things already in my life. And I had no idea what He was really doing was helping break a habit of procrastination that has basically held me in bondage my entire life. It is a journey….one I have invited the Holy Spirit to lead me through. Without Him I will fail. There is a quote in the book that says “Anything not Spirit led is simply a phase”. This spoke to my heart since I was terrified that I would ultimately go back to my old habits….because any other time I had tried I was doing it on my own strength and was destined to fail and did fail. This time though I wake up each day and I simply say “anything”. And then as I go through out my day I allow the Holy Spirit to show me what to do and strengthen me to ‘do it now’. And for three weeks now I am thrilled to sing His praises and say I have ended each day at peace that I accomplished each task that He has asked of me. I have no idea where else my “anything” journey will take me, I wouldn’t begin to guess what God has planned for me, but I plan on journaling about it here…all of it…His successes and my failures. You are welcome to come along with me. I can’t recommend the book enough….or recommend enough offering God your own “anything” prayer. And when you do….I would love to hear about it and come along side you and pray for you in your journey!!
The Smaller Half
I want to be a “smaller half” person. I’m not proud to admit it but my whole life I have been a “bigger half” person and recently I felt God whisper to my heart it is time for a change. One might argue that “a half is a half…there is no smaller half and no bigger half…just a half!” Let me explain….when I was a child my mother would always take the last piece of cake, or the last soda, or the last Snickers bar, and cut/pour it in half and give one to my brother and one to me. And I promise you…there was always a bigger half and a smaller half…and I promise you…I was well aware which was which and I wanted the bigger half!! Not only that, I was mad if I got the slightly smaller half and couldn’t even enjoy it if i knew in my soul that I got an 1/8 of a teaspoon less than my brother did of the last Coke or last piece of apple pie!!
I would love to say this ridiculousness went away as I became a “mature” adult. But alas, you can rest assured, my spider like senses can detect the bigger half from a mile away. In fact, now that I’m older I have begun to realize that I don’t only want the bigger half of a dessert…I want the middle seat in a theater (just ask my husband…he has stood their patiently as I counted seats in the theater and then swayed from side to side trying to decide which seat was the exact middle), the middle seat at a dinner table when out with a large group of friends (ever see someone race behind the hostess to swoop in on the best seat so they can be a part of all the conversations? ), and yes, when the announcer at the wedding says “the buffet is now open” you can hear the click click click of my heals as I run to be the first in line!! I may exaggerate a little…but not as much as I wish I was!! And each time I rushed to the bigger/middle/first ….I felt shame at my behavior…but it didn’t change my behavior.
Until recently I felt God whisper to me “be a smaller half person”, and as His whispers often do, it stopped me in my tracks. My whole life kind of flashed before my eyes….all the times I longed for the bigger half, middle seat, first in line, etc…..all the times I couldn’t enjoy my smaller half, one seat away from middle, fifth in line because things hadn’t worked out the way I wanted. I hit my knees and thanked God for finding me worthy of teaching and I asked for Him to open my eyes to how being a “smaller half” could glorify Him….and asked for opportunities to submit to His whisper and indeed lay my selfishness aside and be the “smaller half person”.
Wouldn’t you know it…as I began a journey of willfully (and make no mistake…it can be a battle of wills sometimes) taking the “smaller half” when sharing something, sitting back and letting the group fill in a table and taking the last seat available, purposefully waiting til the line was full before I got in line….not only did I feel peace as I stepped in line with God’s wishes….I began to realize the shame I used to feel being that “bigger half” person was replaced by calm and joy as I looked around to bless others. I was able to enjoy every bite of my “smaller half” without bitterness or envy…or shame. When out with friends, I was able to enjoy the quiet conversation with the one person I could hear at the table and make a deeper connection. The opportunities God has shown me that are available in life to be the “smaller half” person are limitless and I could go on and on….even more than I already have :)! I had been a “bigger half” person my whole life without ever realizing it…without ever stopping to think about it. I am forever grateful that God whispered to me “smaller half” and changed my life. I am a work in progress and I am sure the siren call of the buffet table will still tug at my heart occasionally….but if I keep my eyes focused on God…hopefully I will sail to the back of the line and enjoy the conversation back there with the rest of the “smaller half” people!!
Walking on water!
I once heard a radio DJ ask “Why do you think Jesus walked on water?” a caller replied “To show us he could do anything!” The DJ agreed and moved on from the topic. It got me thinking though, it is my personal feeling that they missed the point. You see, Jesus wasn’t the only one who walked on water. The Bible tells us that Peter also walked on water. He saw Jesus, asked Jesus to tell him to come to Him and then he got out of the boat that was being rocked by the wind and waves, focused his eyes on Christ and all be darned if he didn’t walk on water too!! Walking on the very thing that in this situation, was the biggest threat to Peter and the disciples. So the point, to me, was not that Jesus could do anything, but instead to let us know that WE could do anything if we focus our eyes on Christ.
So often in the storms of life we huddle in the boat, terrified, drifting, uncertain of what to do. Our storms all look different, but rest assured, we all have them. The ones that knock the breath out of us, bring us to our knees, make us feel helpless. The image of the disciples in a boat, completely at the mercy of the wind and waves is one that is enough to leave me breathless. I don’t like to feel out of control…that coupled with an unhealthy fear of deep water and this pretty much sums up helplessness to me. But I don’t have to be in the middle of a literal storm, out at sea to know helplessness. I have had my own figurative storms that rocked my world. I am sure you have too. Some of us have dealt with a death of a loved one, some have had financial loss, others have a marriage in trouble, a broken friendship, job stress. The “storms” are simply too numerous to count. But what I have found, is that when we find ourselves with the wind knocked out of us and down on the ground, we have a choice. We can curl up in a ball and scream and cry and rant and rave and live in fear. Or we can focus our eyes on Christ and step out of the boat and run to Him and trust in Him. It isn’t always easy, but when we do, we find ourselves walking on “water” too. Walking over the things we fear the most. We find ourselves strengthened to walk above our worries, to walk in peace and joy despite our troubles because we have taken our focus off of the problem and focused them instead on the one who will deliver us!
As the old cliché goes I am sure you are thinking “easier said than done”. And I whole heartedly agree….however, God doesn’t just yell at us to “get out of the boat and do something you have never done before!!” and then let us drown if we fail . He knows us inside and out and sympathizes with our fears. When Peter got out of the boat and walked on water he soon took his eyes off of Christ and plunged into the cold, dark water. We are no different than Peter. I have been smoothly walking through troubled times and plunged back into fear when I have taken my attention off of all God can and does do for me and instead focused on the impossible mountain in front of me. But when Peter found himself neck deep in turbulent water he cried out to Jesus and the next word in the Bible is “Immediately”…..it says that immediately Jesus reached out and pulled Peter to safety .He simply and immediately reached out and saved him. And He does the same for us when we cry out for Him as well! He doesn’t watch us flail for a while and then help us…when we cry out to Christ His rescue is immediate!
The interesting thing is that Peter didn’t have to get out of the boat for Jesus to save them. Jesus was there the whole time and would have taken care of them regardless, just like He is with us, taking care of us regardless of if we get out of our “boat” or not. But make no mistake, if we choose to focus our eyes on Christ during our troubles, and climb out of our mess and walk towards Him….then just like Peter, we will have the privilege of doing more than we are capable of doing alone, the privilege of feeling God lift us up and helping us to “walk on water”!
Matthew 14:23-33
23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
My name is Stacy and I am a “Doubting Thomas”!
When Jesus rose from the dead He revealed Himself to all of the disciples….all of the disciples except one. For whatever reason, Thomas was not in the room when Jesus first appeared to the other disciples. You can imagine the excitement in the room when Thomas finally got there! Jesus was no longer there but can you imagine the scene Thomas walked into? Everyone talking at once, hugging, shaking, laughing, crying even. Thomas must have been so confused. His Lord had been killed just a few days earlier and here all of His friends were having a party. Can you imagine what went through his mind when, finally, amidst all of the confusion, someone is able to tell him “We have seen the Lord!!” Thomas’s reaction is one that got him labeled “Doubting Thomas” for all of eternity…..“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
Have you ever felt like Thomas? I know I have. That feeling like everyone else has just been a part of something special and you just missed out. I felt like this most of my life when it came to my walk with God. I wanted to believe Jesus was the son of God so badly. I felt like other people must be more special than I was because they seemed to have received this amazing gift of faith. This blind devotion and acceptance that Jesus was who He said He was. I did everything I could to believe….I must have said the “Sinner’s Prayer” a thousand times…hoping this time it would stick. But the truth was, like Thomas, I was a doubter….I was Doubting Stacy.
I was so ashamed of myself. “Why can’t I believe like everyone else?” “Why do I have all of these doubts and how do I get rid of them?” “How can God ever accept me if I can’t just blindly accept Him?” “Why can’t I have a burning bush, a talking donkey, water turned into wine!!?? Then I would believe for sure!!” “C’mon….how did all of those animals get in that ark anyway!!??” If you can doubt it…I doubted it. But yet at the core of who I was, I wanted desperately to know the truth, to believe. And that is what I have in common with Thomas as well…..He wanted to believe, he wanted to know the truth and see it for himself.
The age we live in has almost vilified Thomas. We even have that name for people who doubt something “C’mon…stop being such a Doubting Thomas!!” But is what he said and felt so bad? I don’t think so and the reason I don’t think so is because Jesus didn’t think so either. Jesus finally did appear to Thomas and he didn’t scold Thomas or hide His scars from Thomas. He went to Thomas and offered His hands to him to see and hold and touch. He offered up the evidence that Thomas so desperately needed to believe Jesus had been risen from the dead. Jesus loved Thomas. Thomas had been a devoted follower of Jesus and Jesus longed for Thomas to believe, so He gently met Thomas where he was at and offered him the proof he had asked for. And what was Thomas’s reaction? “My Lord and my God.” Thomas believed…every doubt was gone at the hands of Jesus.
Not unlike Thomas, I finally cried out to Jesus, when I was 35, and asked for help. I had been studying the Bible and the evidence from the Old Testament that pointed to Jesus being exactly who He said He was became too much for me. I cried out to Jesus and told Him “I don’t know why I have all of these doubts, I beg you to take them away, to show me who you are….but until then you will just have to accept me the way I am….doubts and all.” For those who seek the truth, who desperately want to know and accept what is real when it comes to God…..God wants you to know the truth as well. And He will open you heart and mind to it if you just ask. If we offer ourselves up just the way we are, doubts, fears, longings and admit we don’t have the answers but we long for them….the rest is up to Him. The day I cried out to Jesus and asked for His help is the day I chose to believe…and it is the day that God honored that choice by revealing Himself through His word and through His spirit to me in such a way that I no longer had doubts. It was indeed supernatural…They were simply gone .I had no power to remove my doubts, I had tried for 35 years and nothing worked. But God had the power to remove them and when He did, like Thomas my response was immediate “My Lord and my God!”
God longs for us to know Him. Don’t let this world tell you that you should be ashamed for doubting, instead take your doubts straight to Him and let Him place your hands in His, let Him erase the doubts.
John 20:24-28
24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Dear God….
Dear God….that is all I got. Dear God. My heart can’t form the words, can’t comprehend all the emotions I am feeling to get past “Dear God” . I am hurting, my heart is breaking, I am scared, I am nauseous. A good man was taken away from my family….my Air Force Family but my family all the same. You called Him to be a fighter pilot. You gave him a heart of gold and a smile that could light up a room. You gave him a contagious spirit that easily became the life of the party and at the same time a humble spirit that I often find at the back of every group photo I can find with him in it ….he didn’t need to be up front, he just knew he was where he belonged. Where you had placed him. And on April 3rd, 2013….you called him home. And anyone who knew James “Mano” Steel will never be the same. Dear God….
Dear God……please, I beg you, be with James’ family….his Mom and Dad and brothers and sister. They need you now. They need your grace, your reassurance, your support. They need you to hold them together as they try to figure out what this life looks like without James in it. They need you to gently hold them while they rage, and cry and desperately try to find a way to turn back time. And they need you, God, to promise them they will see James again. Dear God…..
Dear God….my heart is so heavy for those Gamblers Mano left behind. They are still at war God, left to put their grief in a box that CANNOT be opened until a later date. They must finish the mission…and come home safe. But now they not only have the mission the United States Air Force has bestowed upon them but they have the mission that each one of them , I know, have taken upon themselves. The mission to “Make Mano proud!” Lord they need you….they didn’t lose a friend…they lost a brother…a bond of brotherhood that you formed together as they have trained and fought together…as they have laughed and cried together. They need you…they need to know Mano’s death was not in vain…that you will be glorified …that you met their brother in the sky and welcomed him home. Dear God….
Dear God….. Be with the other parents of those deployed who want their Son’s and Daughter’s home and who will never quite be able to see the Warrior you have allowed their child to become because they still picture them with holes in their jeans and jelly on their faces. But they have trusted you with that child and pray for them every time they come to mind. Lord comfort these parents as they have been forced to think “What if that had been my child?” and as their hearts break for the Steels in a bond formed by parenthood. Dear God….
Dear God……..please be with the spouses who are at home right now. Who are desperate to hold their husbands and wives but at the same time are so proud that their Gambler will not quit…they will finish the job they started. Be with those precious wives and husbands as they rock their babies to sleep, whispering words of reassurance not only to their babies but to themselves as well….they need you Lord, to hold them, to fill them with strength to be the rock their spouses need right now. They need you to comfort them, to sooth their spirit to wash away all the questions fear is trying to break them down with. And they need you, God, to heal their broken hearts as they loved Mano like he was one of their own…..the little brother they welcomed around their dinner table and into their families. Dear God…..
Dear God…..for the friends who knew and loved Mano, who are left asking the question “Why?” Bring them peace even though the answer to the question “why” will never come this side of heaven. Dry the tears, Lord, and leave only the memories of that smile…that joy that Mano brought everywhere he went. Dear God….
So many words left unspoken…so many words that I don’t even know how to say…..But thankfully God, that just by lifting my tired and worn eyes up to you and whispering “Dear God….” you pick me up, pull me into your lap and sooth my soul. I don’t need any other words…you have already said it all…you will never leave any of us or forsake us….you will see us through the trials of this life ….you have defeated death and because of that….we will see Mano again….he will be waiting for us with that big ole grin….and a long awaited Double Down My Friend…..
Dear God……
Deuteronomy 31:6 6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
John 16:33 33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
1 Corinthians 15:57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ
This is not the way it is supposed to be!!!
I had plans for Christmas!! For the first time in years I was going to be able to spend Christmas with my Mom, brother and his family!! The military had finally moved us close enough to my side of the family that we could actually drive to visit! That hasn’t been the case in 15 years!!! The kids got out of school on Friday and we loaded up the car on Saturday and over the hills and through the woods…to Gramma Betty’s house we went! The kids were super excited to spend the week with Gramma Betty and also couldn’t wait to hang out with Logan, their older, “very cool” cousin!
The first day went off without a hitch. Normal family stuff…laughing, shopping, laughing some more!! But then….the second night. Jake came around the corner after his bath and declared “I am going to throw up!” And throw up he did..twice..right in the middle of my Mom’s living room floor. Of course, being the caring mother that I am, my first thought was “He was just in the bathroom!! Why didn’t he throw up in there!! Now I have to clean this up!!!” (don’t judge me!) So we hustled him into the bathroom, cleaned up the tile (thank you God it wasn’t carpet) floor and prayed that it was just a one time event. I also prayed that it was food poisoning so I wouldn’t get sick too….I mean so the rest of my sweet children wouldn’t get sick!! Unfortunately, this was not a one time event. Jake proceeded to throw up every forty-five minutes for the next four hours and then, for the next four hours, proceeded to throw up so hard he also pooped his pants. (Yes, he will hate me for revealing that someday…but he is only 8 now and he doesn’t care…and I really need you to understand what I was dealing with!)
Now I need to set the scene. My Mom lives in a small, three bedroom house. All the kids were in one room and Matt and I were in the double bed in the other guest room. We put Jake on an air mattress beside the double bed in our room so all the floor space was gone. You had to move the air mattress to open the door…but if we left the door open then the dog, who was sleeping at the foot of the bed would escape and chew up my Mom’s house. My Mom also keeps the house at 78…so it was hot…which doesn’t really add to the story…but I was sweating and cranky at this point so I thought I would let you know. Matt and I took turns getting up, tripping over the dog, rushing Jake to the bathroom, cleaning him up, getting him back to bed and finding the escaped dog and hustling her back into the room. All of this while glaring at the other parent who was pretending to sleep through the whole ordeal.
By 5:30am…I was worried, really worried about Jake. I got up and went to Walmart to get things to hydrate my sweet boy. Matt got up and took Jake to the urgent care. By this time Jake was dry-heaving so hard his whole body would hunch over. He looked at Matt and said “Will it ever stop…” Matt’s heart is still breaking.
The doctor gave Jake Zofran and, after dissolving one under his tongue, he finally stops dry heaving. Matt and I are worried that if we stay at my Mom’s she may get the virus so before anyone else starts throwing up, and now that Jake has stopped throwing up, we will pile everyone in the car and drive the five hours home. We run around packing and saying goodbye and head to the truck….the keys are locked in the truck…with the truck running!! Really????? Really!!
We wait for the roadside assistance to unlock the truck and hit the road. As I am sitting in the middle of the back seat of the truck, Jake curls up, puts his head in my lap and falls asleep. I look up towards the ceiling, with tears in my eyes I whisper to God…”This isn’t how Christmas was supposed to be.” He whispered back “Ask Mary how she thought Christmas would be.”
I had to let that one sink in. But then I received the most beautiful perspective…one I had never thought of before. When the angel told Mary she was going to give birth to the Lord of Lords and King of Kings…the savior of the world…I am pretty sure that she didn’t picture herself riding on a Donkey nine months pregnant. Shoot…they won’t even let us ride on an airplane after eight months…let alone ride on a donkey!! I am pretty sure she didn’t picture herself shivering in the cold, laying down on dirt and hay, in the dark. In a flea infested barn…next to sheep and cows and mice and bugs, giving birth to The King!! I will admit, I usually have an “Away in a Manger” scene in my head when I think of this night…dim candle light, cattle mooing along to the music and what not!! But honestly, the Savior of the world was born, with labor pains, blood and crying, in a cold, damp, dirty barn next to animals…with no doctor in site!! I am guessing that Mary might have had the thought “This isn’t the way it was supposed to be!” But this was the way it was supposed to be…this was the way God planned for it to be. For the Lord of Lords to be born with the most humble of beginnings, to walk on this Earth with nothing but an amazing Faith in His Father and His Father’s plan. So that at the end of His life He could look at each one of us and comfort us and say “I have walked where you have walked and I know what you are going through and if you trust in me, I will be with you, I will lead you out of pain and tears and into peace and joy.” God asked Mary to trust Him and He saved the world.
This may not have been the way Mary thought it would be. But we now know this is exactly how God meant for it to be. God was asking me to apply that same kind of perspective to my Christmas night, to my life. Even in the times when I say “I didn’t think it would be like this!” I can trust that God is in control and His plan will always be beautiful.
So there I was, on Christmas Eve, in the back seat of the truck, with my precious son asleep on my lap. I was not where I planned to be…but I was where my Heavenly Father planned for me to be that night. And in that knowledge I would rest and find peace. I stroked my son’s hair and looked up again and thanked God for taking care of my son and for getting us home safely on this cold winter night. And for teaching me that no matter what the circumstances look like, God is at work on something beautiful.
And the next day, as my son lay in my arms still sick, I watched the snow come down. I stayed in my jammies all day. I watched my other two children laugh and play in the snow. I watched old movies with my hubby. We sang happy Birthday to Jesus. And it was one of the most peaceful, beautiful Christmas’ I remember. You see, God had been gracious enough to teach me to trust that no matter what the circumstance ,He was in charge and something beautiful could come from it. I knew this for a fact because He proved it on that cold, dark Christmas night over two thousand years ago, the day God saved the world.
I have not been given a spirit of fear!
I volunteer every Monday at my 2nd graders school. I usually go in and help with the morning routine, do my duty and then leave. This Monday was different though. I sat in the parking lot before going into the school and I prayed. I prayed for those parents who had lost a child in the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. I prayed for the teachers across America who went to school that day with a new burden on their shoulders. I prayed for the administrators who faced the daunting task of maintaining normalcy while incorporating a whole new level of vigilance in our schools. I looked at the flag in front of the school. It was at half mast. I realized the students brought out the flag each day and hung the flag on the flag pole. I wondered if those three students even understood why they were told to fly it at half mast that day. I prayed for them.
I approached the doors and fought back the anger as I pictured the killer approaching the doors. I wondered what was going through his mind. How his adrenaline must have been racing at the thought of what he was about to do. I literally dry heaved at this thought. I pushed the buzzer and waited to be let in. I looked up at the camera and took my hands out of my pockets to relieve a little of the stress the sweet secretary must have been feeling this day…being the one in charge of letting people in to her school…letting them in to have access to her sweet kids. She is a lovely lady who always greets me with a smile. The Monday before this one she had shared with me that her son Shawn had died five years ago in an accident. She spoke of his favorite Christmas Carol and favorite holiday candle. She lit up when talking about him and I was so grateful she shared her son with me. She also shared with me a glimpse of the peace and joy Christ can fill you with when you hand him your pain. The peace Jesus Himself promised us in John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. As I approached her this time, I prayed for her. My eyes filled with tears as I said “Hi”. She greeted me with her usual smile and as usual checked to make sure where I was going in the school. We shared a glance that spoke volumes…she seemed to tell me with just a glance…this will be a happy place for these children, this will be a safe place.
I walked down the hall to Jacob’s classroom. I prayed for each class I passed. Tears spilled over my eyes as I fought back the sounds and the images those sweet children at Sandy Hook faced that day. I composed myself as I went into the classroom. All of the kids smiled. Some said “Hi Mrs. Cliver!” Jacob gave his usual ‘That’s my Mom!’ smile! I sat down and looked around the classroom. How would I get them out if I had to? Where could I hide them? Could I break the window with a chair? Could I barricade the door with a cabinet as Mrs. Dempsey hid the children in the corner? Would we try to get them out the doors right next to their classroom….but the playground is fenced in..they would be trapped out there!! It was too much….and then I felt my spirit say “STOP”! My heart was racing, my thoughts were too and the Holy Spirit reminded me of the scripture ….2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I memorized it a few years earlier to break the stronghold fear had once had on my life. I repeated the words and let the peace overtake me. I turned my attention to the children. They were sitting at Mrs. Dempsey’s feet, listening to her read “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”. Some watched, eyes wide with wonder, some read along with her, some interrupted to tell ‘oh so important stories’ the story had reminded them of! Mrs. Dempsey laughed along with them and shared some of her own stories. I felt God’s presence there. I could picture Jesus sitting on the floor, criss cross applesauce, with somehow every one of those sweet children in His lap. For the first time since the previous Friday, I felt peace. I crawled up into Jesus’ lap too and gave all my pain to Him and all my confusion to Him and all my questions to Him and simply rested in knowing He was here….and He was there, at Sandy Hook. We may not understand why this tragedy was allowed to take place, but we can be sure He was there, weeping over how evil this world has become, comforting, protecting and then welcoming these children into His arms where they would never face fear again!
It also occurred to me, as I watched the children listen to the story, they knew no fear. They sat in that classroom and their safety wasn’t even a thought that crossed their mind. And I rejoiced in that fact. It occurred to me that the sweet children of Sandy Hook went to school that day with no fear. They went along their daily routines and up until the very last moments of their lives…Praise God, they knew no fear. And now, Praise God, will never face it again. I hope, someday their parents take some solace in the fact that with God’s help, their children knew no fear in the six years they lived on this Earth. Only laughter and joy and sweet butterfly kisses and wonder and peace. I pray for the parents left behind. I can’t imagine the pain they face and what they wouldn’t do to have one more hug. Each time I see a picture of one of those precious babies I pray for their family….I pray the child had no pain and no fear…that the end came mercifully quick. I lift up their families and pray that God hold them together. That the destruction ended that day when the killer took his own life. That families not fall apart over this, that families allow God to heal their broken hearts. And I vow to honor these children and teachers who lost their lives by giving my children the gift of knowing no fear. I have lifted my children up in prayer and handed them over to their Holy Father. I have not been given a spirit of fear…I have been given the Holy Spirit…the Spirit of God Himself. So I will teach my children that they too have the Spirit of God Himself living in them and they don’t have to be afraid of anything. And then, in the moment God takes them home, they will run into Jesus’ arms having lived a life here on Earth full of trust in God and they will have lived life to its fullest having known no fear. For all they need to know when faced with the horrors of this world is this Romans 8:31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Dear Media…it is time for a change!
Dear Media,
How could you get the details and events of Friday, at Sandy Hook Elementary so wrong? I just don’t understand. You said the shooter was Ryan Lanza…it was not. You said his mother was a Kindergarten teacher at the school…she was not. You said the shooter opened fire on a kindergarten classroom…he did not. You said there was possibly another shooter involved….there was not. You said someone identified and buzzed the shooter into the school….they did not. The media are in such a hurry to report these horrific events, before anyone else does, that they basically reported a bunch of rumors all day long…even though the police kept saying they would not confirm anything until later. Your careless reporting made an already gut wrenching day that much more confusing! What would have been wrong with simply saying “There has been a shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary and we will let you know when we know more.”?
Your reporting, before you have the facts, is reckless and hurtful. Think of Ryan Lanza. His life has been forever changed by people labeling him a murderer. Think of the parents rushing to school hopeful their 1st grader was fine because you reported it was the kindergarten classroom that was attacked. Or the kindergarten parents who lived in fear that it was their childs classroom. You may never know whose life was effected because of your careless reporting.
You get to report whatever you want, without any thought to who you may hurt…all in the name of “being the first to report”! Why can’t you wait for the official report from the police? What would be the harm in that? That is when we found out the real truth anyway!
You owe so many apologies to so many people , but I have yet to hear any…but more importantly it is time you take responsibility for your actions and make a change! Only report the facts…who cares if it is 3 minutes or 3 hours later than you would like to report the fiction!!?
We the public must take some responsibility as well…we want the story now!! Why? If it doesn’t directly involve us…then we can learn to wait until the truth is ready to be told.
Please…it is time for a change.
Hell in a Handbasket
I have had several discussions lately with people regarding the state of our great nation. They are afraid, and frankly they have good reason to believe, it isn’t that great anymore. The term ‘Hell in a handbasket’ is almost always thrown in the conversation somewhere. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had my share of fears over where the United States is headed. Most conversations I have with my Christian friends revolve around one of two things, or both…..the evil in this country. And about the people who want to see God taken out our country. The fear is that this nation is going down a path of unrighteousness…..a path that runs away from God and therefore, God is removing His favor from this country. Please understand, this post is written by me…someone who deeply believes, without shame or remorse, that God has greatly blessed this country. So if you are someone who does not believe this….I get that you won’t agree with this post…this post is not for you…it is for those who believe, like I do, that God directly intervened over and over to raise up this great nation when all odds were against it. I believe He did this because our forefathers sought this favor on their knees. The reason for this post is to speak directly to my Christian friends who fear that God has removed His favor because of the unbelievers in this country. If He has turned His favor from this country it is because We, His people, have turned from Him. It is not those who don’t believe in God’s fault if He has turned away….it is ours!
Ouch!! I didn’t like it either…but don’t throw anything at the messanger…for what God brought to me is actually a huge message of hope!! Such a relief actually…you see…if He has turned His back on us because of the unbelievers…there is nothing we can do….but if He has turned His back on us because of us….we can do something. I have run into God’s message no less than four times this last week…..I believe He is crying out to us and offering us a way out…..what is that message…. 2 Chronicles 713 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
Do you see it…..it took me a few times but suddenly it jumped off of the pages of the Bible at me. 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. The answer does not, nor has it ever relied on those who don’t believe in God…it lies in His word..directly spoken to His people. If you are worried about this nation…look no further than the person in the mirror…get on your knees, ask for God’s help in seeing where you have strayed…where you have allowed the world to win a place in your heart, ask for forgiveness and accept His forgiveness. Then get up and depend on His amazing grace to lead you back to Him, to lead you back to a place of peace and joy. Christ died for you, for your sins, it is finished, you are loved and forgiven…..stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and live in that Grace…live in that forgiveness, live in that freedom, turn from the worry and strife and stress that a sinful life leads to and bask in His forgiveness, joy and peace!!! And then pray for this nation…pray that He heal this land. I believe it is indeed that simple. I find such peace in knowing that God’s blessing will come to His people regardless of anyone else. He is in charge…He is mighty and He loves His people enough to heal their land!
He has done it before….When the Israelites turned from Him, He allowed them to be taken into bondage, but when they turned to Him…He delivered them in a mighty way. Turn to Him, on your knees and watch Him turn this great nation around!!!
His grace is enough for me! 