A heavy heart at Christmas
Just the mention of the word Christmas typically sends my heart into joyful leaps! It has always been my favorite time of year. December 26th is always my saddest day of the year because Christmas will never be farther away then that day. I love the memories of Christmas past that come flooding back with the smell of cranberry candles or of fresh cut pine. I love seeing the first lights around the neighborhood and take the long way home as I meander through the streets with eyes lighting up as I take in each beautifully decorated house. I love to think of each person on my list and try to come up with the exact gift that will show them that I love them and cherish them. I love every little thing about Christmas….most of all I love being focused on Christ and the gift He gave us when He left heaven to come to this earth. And the journey He walked and the ultimate price He paid out of love for me. I love Christmas.
But this year is different. I still love all the reminders of Christ’s gift. But the joy, the childlike joy, is not there this year. I had tremendous loss this year when my father died this summer. And I feel the burden of this loss as Christmas grows closer. I have friends battling cancer and I feel helpless to do anything that can help them. Also, I have several friends whose marriages are falling apart in front of my eyes and I can’t do a thing to help and my heart breaks for them. And then yesterday I received news that a dear friend of mine lost his battle with a lengthy illness, leaving behind my sweet friend Kim and her two children to pick up the pieces. My heart is heavy this Christmas. My eyes are constantly filled with tears. I keep asking myself “This is Christmas! I should be joyful! What is wrong with me?” Then…as He often does I felt a gentle whisper come over me this morning as I sat to pray and seek God’s help. God made it clear to me that He was with me and that He understood my sadness. It suddenly occured to me that the day God sent Christ to the Earth, knowing what Christ would have to endure, the loss that Heaven would feel, God knew sadness on Christmas day as well. He sent His son to die on a cross and His journey began on Christmas day. I heard a song that sang “How could heaven’s heart not break, on the day that you came?” And it simply put into words all I was feeling.
God’s love for us is why He endured that heartache…why it was worth it to send His son to die. Realizing that God has felt loss and pain makes Him even more of comforter in my heart. He knows what I am feeling. But most of all He sees the whole plan. He knew from the beginning of time that the only way to reconcile His beloved children to Him, to save them from His justified wrath for our sin, would be to send Jesus to take the punishment for us. He had a plan and therefore the pain was worth it.
God has a plan for me, and for my friends whose marriages are struggling, for my friends battling cancer, and for Kim and her children. The pain seems unbearable right now….but with time, God’s whole plan will come to pass…and the pain will have been worth it.
So this Christmas, I am grateful that God has opened my eyes to His love on a whole new level. Opened my eyes to the heartbreak that He too felt on that first Christmas morning. But when Jesus rose from the grave and defeated sin once and for all, the pain had been worth it and God must have been filled with joy again to not only be reunited with His precious son in Heaven but filled with joy to know that each one of us who places our faith in Him will someday be reunited with Him forever, in a place where there is no more tears and no more pain. As I make a choice to focus my heart on that truth, the sadness is still there but somehow my heart is filled with joy, not the childlike joy I usually associate with Christmas, but the joy in the truth that my God is good and perfect and Holy and I know my pain and my friends pain is only temporary. Hallelujah!
His grace is enough for me! 