The Smaller Half
I want to be a “smaller half” person. I’m not proud to admit it but my whole life I have been a “bigger half” person and recently I felt God whisper to my heart it is time for a change. One might argue that “a half is a half…there is no smaller half and no bigger half…just a half!” Let me explain….when I was a child my mother would always take the last piece of cake, or the last soda, or the last Snickers bar, and cut/pour it in half and give one to my brother and one to me. And I promise you…there was always a bigger half and a smaller half…and I promise you…I was well aware which was which and I wanted the bigger half!! Not only that, I was mad if I got the slightly smaller half and couldn’t even enjoy it if i knew in my soul that I got an 1/8 of a teaspoon less than my brother did of the last Coke or last piece of apple pie!!
I would love to say this ridiculousness went away as I became a “mature” adult. But alas, you can rest assured, my spider like senses can detect the bigger half from a mile away. In fact, now that I’m older I have begun to realize that I don’t only want the bigger half of a dessert…I want the middle seat in a theater (just ask my husband…he has stood their patiently as I counted seats in the theater and then swayed from side to side trying to decide which seat was the exact middle), the middle seat at a dinner table when out with a large group of friends (ever see someone race behind the hostess to swoop in on the best seat so they can be a part of all the conversations? ), and yes, when the announcer at the wedding says “the buffet is now open” you can hear the click click click of my heals as I run to be the first in line!! I may exaggerate a little…but not as much as I wish I was!! And each time I rushed to the bigger/middle/first ….I felt shame at my behavior…but it didn’t change my behavior.
Until recently I felt God whisper to me “be a smaller half person”, and as His whispers often do, it stopped me in my tracks. My whole life kind of flashed before my eyes….all the times I longed for the bigger half, middle seat, first in line, etc…..all the times I couldn’t enjoy my smaller half, one seat away from middle, fifth in line because things hadn’t worked out the way I wanted. I hit my knees and thanked God for finding me worthy of teaching and I asked for Him to open my eyes to how being a “smaller half” could glorify Him….and asked for opportunities to submit to His whisper and indeed lay my selfishness aside and be the “smaller half person”.
Wouldn’t you know it…as I began a journey of willfully (and make no mistake…it can be a battle of wills sometimes) taking the “smaller half” when sharing something, sitting back and letting the group fill in a table and taking the last seat available, purposefully waiting til the line was full before I got in line….not only did I feel peace as I stepped in line with God’s wishes….I began to realize the shame I used to feel being that “bigger half” person was replaced by calm and joy as I looked around to bless others. I was able to enjoy every bite of my “smaller half” without bitterness or envy…or shame. When out with friends, I was able to enjoy the quiet conversation with the one person I could hear at the table and make a deeper connection. The opportunities God has shown me that are available in life to be the “smaller half” person are limitless and I could go on and on….even more than I already have :)! I had been a “bigger half” person my whole life without ever realizing it…without ever stopping to think about it. I am forever grateful that God whispered to me “smaller half” and changed my life. I am a work in progress and I am sure the siren call of the buffet table will still tug at my heart occasionally….but if I keep my eyes focused on God…hopefully I will sail to the back of the line and enjoy the conversation back there with the rest of the “smaller half” people!!
His grace is enough for me! 
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